I leave for college in approxiamately five days. I can't wait! I'm so excited for a new beginning, a fresh start. Unfortunately, I have some extra baggage that I don't particularly want to take with me...so it's time to write it out.
First thing: My Nightmare.
I don't exactly have the nightmare anymore, but it's more a of a person now. There was once a time when I thought he and I were meant to be together, in fact, I thought that I loved him. I guess I did, just not in the way I thought. I was a young, naive 16 year old sophomore in high school. I don't think I even knew what love was back then. I wanted to be his girlfriend so badly, I do remember that. I also remember that my parents HATED him, and his parents loathed me. His mother was always telling him that I was a jealous bitch who would do anything in my power to make him mine. My mother always told me that he would try to make me do things that I didn't want too. Guess who was right? My mother. I learned a few days ago that my little sister was telling people a whole bunch of lies about herself, namely that she'd had sex several times before. I also learned that she was arranging to meet this guy that she'd never met so they could "fuck" as she put it. I didn't know anything about any of it until five or so days ago. Now, my worry level is spiked because I don't want the same thing to happen to her. I worry constantly, but I can't let myself dwell on what happened to me. I have to trust that my stepfather is taking the matter into his hands and won't let anything happen to her when I leave in five days.
Here lately I've been listening to music. In fact, I listen to so many different songs by so many different artists over and over again that I've nearly memorized at least four new songs. One song in particular keeps popping into my head at the most inappropriate moments. No Air by Jordin Sparks.
You see, there's this boy, and he quite literally takes my breath away. I was (am?) so deeply in love with him, and now that he's with someone else, it feels like I'm trying to live without the very air that I breathe. I'm healing now, and starting to get over the hurt, but that doesn't mean everything has changed. I'll admit that I've given up on him ever coming back, my reason being that I don't want to waste my time waiting around for something that may never happen. However, I still feel like I don't have air to breath, or a heart that beats.
How am I supposed to breathe with no air?
I didn't think it was possible at first, but now...now I can do it. It's simply really. I just inhale, and breathe in oxygen rather than the smell of his shirt. I exhale carbon dioxide instead of little bubbles of happiness.
My world is slowly fixing itself, turning itself right side up again.
I'm slowly rebuilding the ruins of my heart, and the personality of the girl within.
Once again, I'm going to shine.
I'm not going to hide behind a mask of pain, and let myself be who I really am.
I don't need this boy to survive. He's just a memory of the past. True we're still best friend's, but that's totally different. I guess I could I say that I need him, just not in a romantic way.
I'm going to shine, and I'm going to make my dreams happen.
I'll sing out, let my voice carry the words to whatever song happens to be in my head.
I'll dance, letting my feet move to the rhythm of whatever song happens to be blaring from my speakers.
I'll write, letting the words flow across the page just like they float through my head.
Moving on is hard, don't get me wrong. To be honest, it SUCKS. I don't like filing away the happiest two months of life under the title "Do Not Think About". But what I have to do, well, I just have to let it go.
I need to take my own advice and roll with the waves that life throws my way.
I can't say that I'll move on quickly, but I will eventually reach the point where he is just a memory from the past, and my best friend/secret keeper.
I won't wait forever, and moving on is becoming easier the more I think about it.
Goodbye old, hello new :)
First thing: My Nightmare.
I don't exactly have the nightmare anymore, but it's more a of a person now. There was once a time when I thought he and I were meant to be together, in fact, I thought that I loved him. I guess I did, just not in the way I thought. I was a young, naive 16 year old sophomore in high school. I don't think I even knew what love was back then. I wanted to be his girlfriend so badly, I do remember that. I also remember that my parents HATED him, and his parents loathed me. His mother was always telling him that I was a jealous bitch who would do anything in my power to make him mine. My mother always told me that he would try to make me do things that I didn't want too. Guess who was right? My mother. I learned a few days ago that my little sister was telling people a whole bunch of lies about herself, namely that she'd had sex several times before. I also learned that she was arranging to meet this guy that she'd never met so they could "fuck" as she put it. I didn't know anything about any of it until five or so days ago. Now, my worry level is spiked because I don't want the same thing to happen to her. I worry constantly, but I can't let myself dwell on what happened to me. I have to trust that my stepfather is taking the matter into his hands and won't let anything happen to her when I leave in five days.
Here lately I've been listening to music. In fact, I listen to so many different songs by so many different artists over and over again that I've nearly memorized at least four new songs. One song in particular keeps popping into my head at the most inappropriate moments. No Air by Jordin Sparks.
You see, there's this boy, and he quite literally takes my breath away. I was (am?) so deeply in love with him, and now that he's with someone else, it feels like I'm trying to live without the very air that I breathe. I'm healing now, and starting to get over the hurt, but that doesn't mean everything has changed. I'll admit that I've given up on him ever coming back, my reason being that I don't want to waste my time waiting around for something that may never happen. However, I still feel like I don't have air to breath, or a heart that beats.
How am I supposed to breathe with no air?
I didn't think it was possible at first, but now...now I can do it. It's simply really. I just inhale, and breathe in oxygen rather than the smell of his shirt. I exhale carbon dioxide instead of little bubbles of happiness.
My world is slowly fixing itself, turning itself right side up again.
I'm slowly rebuilding the ruins of my heart, and the personality of the girl within.
Once again, I'm going to shine.
I'm not going to hide behind a mask of pain, and let myself be who I really am.
I don't need this boy to survive. He's just a memory of the past. True we're still best friend's, but that's totally different. I guess I could I say that I need him, just not in a romantic way.
I'm going to shine, and I'm going to make my dreams happen.
I'll sing out, let my voice carry the words to whatever song happens to be in my head.
I'll dance, letting my feet move to the rhythm of whatever song happens to be blaring from my speakers.
I'll write, letting the words flow across the page just like they float through my head.
Moving on is hard, don't get me wrong. To be honest, it SUCKS. I don't like filing away the happiest two months of life under the title "Do Not Think About". But what I have to do, well, I just have to let it go.
I need to take my own advice and roll with the waves that life throws my way.
I can't say that I'll move on quickly, but I will eventually reach the point where he is just a memory from the past, and my best friend/secret keeper.
I won't wait forever, and moving on is becoming easier the more I think about it.
Goodbye old, hello new :)
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