Inspiration will strike at the weirdest moments, often the most inoppurtune. However, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing...just aggravating.
I especially hate when a random idea pops in my head during a test, those are fun. I'd rather the little light bulb above my head click on whenever I'm able to just sit and write for hours, which is why I post so many blogs on the weekends. I have the time to just sit and let the words flow from fingers. Unlike right now, when it's after eleven p.m. and I have class in the morning.
I do love it when people inspire me though, it often makes for a great blog. Sammi, Taylor, Megan, and Jacob tend to be those people who inspire me to write most often, especially Sammi and Jacob. The three of us will be living together in about a year or so, and I can already tell that I'm going to have some crazy blogs about our adventures. Seeing as Jacob and I will be sharing a room so my dear twin can have her space, it's going to be very interesting. I really hope that there are people willing to bail me out of jail for violence, becase I have a feeling that I'm going to attempt to strangle the poor boy at some point.
I'm already excited, Sam and I have decided on Brentwood Apartments in Conway, we're going to take Jacob out there at some point, but I'm not sure when, seeing as the boy is always busy. We've decided on a two bedroom one as well, Sam will have her own room for personal reasons, and I'll share the other with Jacob. We're still working on the plans though, Jacob and I are already arguing about our room. It's going to be great. Furniture shopping is going to be fun too...Sammi wants vintage furniture, and Jacob doesn't. I don't really care to be honest.
Even though all this is a year away, I'm still jumping up and down with excitement. I'll get to live with two of my best friends, two people I don't get to see very often right now. Spending weekends in Conway with Sammi is fun and all, but living with her? I have feeling that our poor neighbors are going to hate us, especially with Jacob.
The three of us together...we're like a bomb waiting to explode.
We as trio, we're like dynamite. I pity our future neighbors.
HOWEVER, I'm so excited that I don't even care about that right now. I just want to focus on getting through one year in Russellville, one year at Arkansas Tech.
One year. So close, yet so far...
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Blogs
So I was stupid a couple hours ago and actually deleted all the blogs off this account. I copied and saved them to my laptop though (hence the reposting of a few). I've removed the more personal ones due to how many people have a link to this blog. I just wanted to say that not all of these were posted today, so that's all.
Wow...this is my shortest blog yet.
Wow...this is my shortest blog yet.
Turtles
I feel like a turtle.
Yes, I understand how weird that sounds, but it's so true.
Here lately, I've taken to locking my true personality away inside a box somewhere in my soul.
I look at this like a turtle hiding itself.
I pull my head in so to speak, and snuggle down in a shell that's meant to protect me from any harm that may head my direction.
It's unfortunate that it doesn't alway work. It sucks when the person who has the power to break you in so many ways is the only person who can draw you out of your shell. It drives me crazy for the most part.
I woke up this morning a very bitter, very bitchy mood. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to go to class, but most of all, I didn't want to face the world. I know that the world didn't necessarily wrong me in anyway whatsoever, but I didn't particularly care this.
I started texting my "twin", Samantha, and she pointed how cold and bitter I was being. She's one of those people who knows me better than I know myself, probably because we're so similar.
I told her that I was just going to leave him, my best friend in the whole world, and shatter his heart like had mine. She then pointed out that it wasn't like me to think like that, nor would I actually shatter his heart because I don't like it when he's hurting. I've told her several times that when his heart breaks, mine does too. I mean it, it's the honest to God truth.
Anyway, throughout the rest of the day, I slowly realized that I wasn't acting like myself.
I mean, I wasn't being a witch to anyone or anything, I just wasn't myself. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to break my phone in half, I wanted to scream at the top of lungs that I hated him (which is far from the truth). I was locking my true personality up, and it wasn't handling the confines of that teeny tiny safe well. I've gotten so used to being myself in last few months, that my initial gut reactions don't work anymore.
Example: I used to run when things scared me, but now the person I run too is probably the person who scares me the most.
Therefore, I can't lock up my personality up anymore. It pretty much goes back to the turtle thing.
I CAN'T BE A TURTLE ANYMORE.
It just doesn't work that way, and I can't run either.
I've been really down these couple days, but I'll be damned if I'm going to keep it up.
I REFUSE TO LET HIM GET ME DOWN ANYMORE.
I'm going to fight for what I want, and do what I think I need to do. I don't really care what people think of me at this point, I am who I am.
As my friend Ashlyn says, I am beautiful, no matter what they say. I didn't even realize that until I looked in the mirror, and looked past reflection. I saw who I am, and I saw who I want to be in the future. I have to say, I may not like the physical appearance of the mirror, but you know what? That doesn't matter, it's what's on the inside.
I may be falling apart at the seams, and I definitely feel like I'm losing my mind, but that's okay.
I'll patch myself up, and just keep going. I know what I want, and I know where I'm going. I don't really know exactly I'm going to obtain it just yet, but I'll find a way. If it's meant to be, things will sort themselves out, but that doesn't that I need to just sit around and let things happen. I don't have to accept people's bullshit, and I won't, not anymore. I can make my own path to where I need to be.
I'm going to be the person who decides to stand on a mountain top with a baseball bat as a meteor hurtles towards earth (thanks for that Logan).
It's been a rollercoaster week so far, but it can only get better from here. I say that because I'm not going to let it get worse.
I know where I'm going, and being a turtle doesn't fit into those plans.
Well, venting is done for the evening.
....Does anyone else find it weird that this was inspired by turtles?
Yes, I understand how weird that sounds, but it's so true.
Here lately, I've taken to locking my true personality away inside a box somewhere in my soul.
I look at this like a turtle hiding itself.
I pull my head in so to speak, and snuggle down in a shell that's meant to protect me from any harm that may head my direction.
It's unfortunate that it doesn't alway work. It sucks when the person who has the power to break you in so many ways is the only person who can draw you out of your shell. It drives me crazy for the most part.
I woke up this morning a very bitter, very bitchy mood. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to go to class, but most of all, I didn't want to face the world. I know that the world didn't necessarily wrong me in anyway whatsoever, but I didn't particularly care this.
I started texting my "twin", Samantha, and she pointed how cold and bitter I was being. She's one of those people who knows me better than I know myself, probably because we're so similar.
I told her that I was just going to leave him, my best friend in the whole world, and shatter his heart like had mine. She then pointed out that it wasn't like me to think like that, nor would I actually shatter his heart because I don't like it when he's hurting. I've told her several times that when his heart breaks, mine does too. I mean it, it's the honest to God truth.
Anyway, throughout the rest of the day, I slowly realized that I wasn't acting like myself.
I mean, I wasn't being a witch to anyone or anything, I just wasn't myself. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to break my phone in half, I wanted to scream at the top of lungs that I hated him (which is far from the truth). I was locking my true personality up, and it wasn't handling the confines of that teeny tiny safe well. I've gotten so used to being myself in last few months, that my initial gut reactions don't work anymore.
Example: I used to run when things scared me, but now the person I run too is probably the person who scares me the most.
Therefore, I can't lock up my personality up anymore. It pretty much goes back to the turtle thing.
I CAN'T BE A TURTLE ANYMORE.
It just doesn't work that way, and I can't run either.
I've been really down these couple days, but I'll be damned if I'm going to keep it up.
I REFUSE TO LET HIM GET ME DOWN ANYMORE.
I'm going to fight for what I want, and do what I think I need to do. I don't really care what people think of me at this point, I am who I am.
As my friend Ashlyn says, I am beautiful, no matter what they say. I didn't even realize that until I looked in the mirror, and looked past reflection. I saw who I am, and I saw who I want to be in the future. I have to say, I may not like the physical appearance of the mirror, but you know what? That doesn't matter, it's what's on the inside.
I may be falling apart at the seams, and I definitely feel like I'm losing my mind, but that's okay.
I'll patch myself up, and just keep going. I know what I want, and I know where I'm going. I don't really know exactly I'm going to obtain it just yet, but I'll find a way. If it's meant to be, things will sort themselves out, but that doesn't that I need to just sit around and let things happen. I don't have to accept people's bullshit, and I won't, not anymore. I can make my own path to where I need to be.
I'm going to be the person who decides to stand on a mountain top with a baseball bat as a meteor hurtles towards earth (thanks for that Logan).
It's been a rollercoaster week so far, but it can only get better from here. I say that because I'm not going to let it get worse.
I know where I'm going, and being a turtle doesn't fit into those plans.
Well, venting is done for the evening.
....Does anyone else find it weird that this was inspired by turtles?
Wishes
I wish that my emotions would disappear.
I wish that I understood why my dreams were about someone different.
I wish that people understood that I like to blog.
I wish that I could explain why I like to be alone sometimes.
I wish that I didn't have trust issues.
I wish that I could see Taylor, Samantha, and Megan.
I wish that my father actually cared.
I wish that I didn't feel so broken all the time.
I wish that I wasn't such a nerd.
I wish that I was prettier.
I was that I wasn't afraid to let my talents shine.
I was that I was everything he thinks I am.
I wish he didn't think so highly of me.
I wish that I deserved his praise.
I wish that I was more outgoing.
I wish that I didn't judge people.
I wish that I wouldn't care what people think.
I wish that I knew why my biological mother hates me.
I wish that I knew why she doesn't want me.
I wish that I could see all 16 of my siblings.
I wish that I could be around to see two of my baby sisters grow up.
I wish that I'd been able to grow up with all my siblings in one house.
I wish that I could understand my biological father better.
I wish that I wasn't afraid of losing him one day.
I wish that I could have spent more time with my older sister before she died.
I wish that I more confident.
I wish that I was better at math.
I wish that I didn't have to worry about my family.
I wish that I didn't feel like I was disappointing them.
I wish that my biological father wasn't schitzophrenic.
I also wish that there wasn't a chance of him becoming so lost in his hallucinations that he forgets who I am.
I wish that I could get my brother out of the environment he's in.
I wish that my step brother didn't smoke.
I wish that I could balance my different families.
I wish that my biological mother loved me.
I wish that sleep at night without worrying about someone.
I wish that my thoughts didn't swim around in my head like a fish with no direction.
I wish that I had the words to explain myself.
I wish that I had the motivation to write a book.
I wish that I had the courage to talk to a cute boy who flirts with me.
I wish that I didn't have to think about the future and what it may bring.
I wish that I knew where one of my brothers and one of my stepsisters was living.
I wish that there wasn't a chance of one my baby brother's being schizophrenic.
I wish that I didn't have to feel like I was alone in a room full of my family.
I wish that I had set a better example for one of my sisters as she grew up.
I wish that I had tried harder in high school.
I wish that I wasn't so afraid of losing people.
I wish that I didn't care about everything.
I wish that I could forget some of the memories I have.
I wish that I could erase a certain player from my past.
I wish that I could fix my past mistakes.
I wish that I had never met someone.
I wish that I could stop thinking about someone (not the someone everyone thinks I mean).
But most of all, I wish that I didn't have all these wishes.
I wish that I understood why my dreams were about someone different.
I wish that people understood that I like to blog.
I wish that I could explain why I like to be alone sometimes.
I wish that I didn't have trust issues.
I wish that I could see Taylor, Samantha, and Megan.
I wish that my father actually cared.
I wish that I didn't feel so broken all the time.
I wish that I wasn't such a nerd.
I wish that I was prettier.
I was that I wasn't afraid to let my talents shine.
I was that I was everything he thinks I am.
I wish he didn't think so highly of me.
I wish that I deserved his praise.
I wish that I was more outgoing.
I wish that I didn't judge people.
I wish that I wouldn't care what people think.
I wish that I knew why my biological mother hates me.
I wish that I knew why she doesn't want me.
I wish that I could see all 16 of my siblings.
I wish that I could be around to see two of my baby sisters grow up.
I wish that I'd been able to grow up with all my siblings in one house.
I wish that I could understand my biological father better.
I wish that I wasn't afraid of losing him one day.
I wish that I could have spent more time with my older sister before she died.
I wish that I more confident.
I wish that I was better at math.
I wish that I didn't have to worry about my family.
I wish that I didn't feel like I was disappointing them.
I wish that my biological father wasn't schitzophrenic.
I also wish that there wasn't a chance of him becoming so lost in his hallucinations that he forgets who I am.
I wish that I could get my brother out of the environment he's in.
I wish that my step brother didn't smoke.
I wish that I could balance my different families.
I wish that my biological mother loved me.
I wish that sleep at night without worrying about someone.
I wish that my thoughts didn't swim around in my head like a fish with no direction.
I wish that I had the words to explain myself.
I wish that I had the motivation to write a book.
I wish that I had the courage to talk to a cute boy who flirts with me.
I wish that I didn't have to think about the future and what it may bring.
I wish that I knew where one of my brothers and one of my stepsisters was living.
I wish that there wasn't a chance of one my baby brother's being schizophrenic.
I wish that I didn't have to feel like I was alone in a room full of my family.
I wish that I had set a better example for one of my sisters as she grew up.
I wish that I had tried harder in high school.
I wish that I wasn't so afraid of losing people.
I wish that I didn't care about everything.
I wish that I could forget some of the memories I have.
I wish that I could erase a certain player from my past.
I wish that I could fix my past mistakes.
I wish that I had never met someone.
I wish that I could stop thinking about someone (not the someone everyone thinks I mean).
But most of all, I wish that I didn't have all these wishes.
The Soundtrack of My Life
Ever since I left for college, I've turned more towards music, and generally carry my iPod every where now. I listen to twelve songs every single day, whether I'm in the shower, on my way to class, studying in the library, or just laying around my room. Each one holds a particular meaning to me, and honestly helps me clear my head. So here it is..my life soundtrack.
1. Break Your Little Heart by All Time Low.
I wasn't introduced to ATL until this summer, when I started hanging out with Megan and Sammi. I'll admit.. I'm not addicted. I absolutely love the band, but Break Your Little Heart is definitely my favorite song by them. I remember hearing it after a break up, in one of those random jam sessions in Sam's car. I now know all the words, and even random sing it throughout the day. As weird as it is, this song made me realize that things could ALWAYS be worse.
2. Firework by Alex Goot and Tyler Ward.
I first heard this song when Sammi used it for her flag routine. I like it much better than Katy Perry's version (although her's is good too), I grasped the deeper meaning to it much faster with the slower tempo. It's a song that helped me realize that I'm valuable as a person, and that people love me. I just have to learn to let myself shine.
3. Mr. Brightside by the Killers.
I'll admit, this song probably wasn't healthy for me to listen to this past month, but it happens to be one of my favorites, so I couldn't help it. It made me think about all the things I didn't want to think about when it came to my ex..but I knew that I had to get over it sooner or later, so I opted for sooner. Thanks to this amazing song, I can actually listen to it, among others, and not even think about him. It's almost relieving.
4. The Writer by Ellie Goulding.
My friend Taylor introduced me to Ellie Goulding, and I adore her. She's simply amazing. This is one of my absolute favorite songs, and I actually bought it on iTunes three days after hearing it for the first time. I'm not really certain as to why this song appeals to me, but it does. It's just one of those songs.
5. I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin.
Logan introduced me to this particular song, telling me that it describes me. I listen to it every day regardless of how I feel, but I really listen to it when I'm down or feeling weak. He told me that this song makes him think of me because I don't bow under pressure, and I like to think that he's right, at least most of the time. One could say that this song is my strength.
6. Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce
I started listening to this song after a break up, and it honestly describes how I felt afterwards. I don't have much to say except that I'm going to always be the best thing you never had.
7. Lie by David Cook.
I'm a person who values the truth, so I find it ironic that this is one of my songs. I've always hated being lied too, but this song fit my feelings of one month ago perfectly. Therefore, I started listening to it, and it moved up on my scale of liking.
8. Loser Like Me by the cast of Glee
Recently, I became addicted to Glee, and therefore started looking for the songs on youtube. This one happened to pop up one day, so I listened to it. I love this song because in my opinion, I'm a loser, but that doesn't mean that I have to act like one. I don't have to care what everyone else thinks of me, I am me and that's all that matters.
9. She's So Gone by Naomi Scott.
I was watching a random movie on Disney Channel called Lemonade Mouth, and this song was in it. It reminded me of a friend, and then the more I listened to it throughout the summer, I realized it described me as well. I went from that girl who never talked to anyone to the girl who had more friends than she used to want. The old me is gone, and I can officially say that you can look, but you won't see the girl I used to be.
10. Stand by Rascal Flatts.
I used to listen to country all the time when I was younger, but as I grew older, my selection narrowed from all country to certain groups. My main one was Rascal Flatts, and I fell head over heels for this song. I listened to it after a very good friend of mine stopped talking to me, and after I fought world war three with my mother. I don't lay down and let people walk all over me anymore, and I'll never let that happen again.
11. Smile by Uncle Kracker.
I'll be honest... I used to smile because it was expected, not because it was something that I wanted to do. Now.. I have at least five people that make me think of this song, and I smile. Taylor, Jacob, Sammi, Megan, and Steven can ALWAYS make me smile when I'm upset about something. This song makes me think of them, and therefore I smile like the sun.
12. Everything by Lifehouse.
A little background before I explain this one: I was...violated in September 2010, and I attended a Catholic Youth retreat called Search in December 2010. I was exactly thrilled to be there, I'd completely lost my faith in God due to the incident, and it took the "Everything Skit", which is a skit based on this song, to make me realize just how far gone I was. I listen to this song when I'm feeling particularly lost and alone, or just in general to make myself feel better. To this day, the skit makes me cry, as does the song when I'm feeling down.
Well, there it is. The soundtrack of my life.
1. Break Your Little Heart by All Time Low.
I wasn't introduced to ATL until this summer, when I started hanging out with Megan and Sammi. I'll admit.. I'm not addicted. I absolutely love the band, but Break Your Little Heart is definitely my favorite song by them. I remember hearing it after a break up, in one of those random jam sessions in Sam's car. I now know all the words, and even random sing it throughout the day. As weird as it is, this song made me realize that things could ALWAYS be worse.
2. Firework by Alex Goot and Tyler Ward.
I first heard this song when Sammi used it for her flag routine. I like it much better than Katy Perry's version (although her's is good too), I grasped the deeper meaning to it much faster with the slower tempo. It's a song that helped me realize that I'm valuable as a person, and that people love me. I just have to learn to let myself shine.
3. Mr. Brightside by the Killers.
I'll admit, this song probably wasn't healthy for me to listen to this past month, but it happens to be one of my favorites, so I couldn't help it. It made me think about all the things I didn't want to think about when it came to my ex..but I knew that I had to get over it sooner or later, so I opted for sooner. Thanks to this amazing song, I can actually listen to it, among others, and not even think about him. It's almost relieving.
4. The Writer by Ellie Goulding.
My friend Taylor introduced me to Ellie Goulding, and I adore her. She's simply amazing. This is one of my absolute favorite songs, and I actually bought it on iTunes three days after hearing it for the first time. I'm not really certain as to why this song appeals to me, but it does. It's just one of those songs.
5. I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin.
Logan introduced me to this particular song, telling me that it describes me. I listen to it every day regardless of how I feel, but I really listen to it when I'm down or feeling weak. He told me that this song makes him think of me because I don't bow under pressure, and I like to think that he's right, at least most of the time. One could say that this song is my strength.
6. Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce
I started listening to this song after a break up, and it honestly describes how I felt afterwards. I don't have much to say except that I'm going to always be the best thing you never had.
7. Lie by David Cook.
I'm a person who values the truth, so I find it ironic that this is one of my songs. I've always hated being lied too, but this song fit my feelings of one month ago perfectly. Therefore, I started listening to it, and it moved up on my scale of liking.
8. Loser Like Me by the cast of Glee
Recently, I became addicted to Glee, and therefore started looking for the songs on youtube. This one happened to pop up one day, so I listened to it. I love this song because in my opinion, I'm a loser, but that doesn't mean that I have to act like one. I don't have to care what everyone else thinks of me, I am me and that's all that matters.
9. She's So Gone by Naomi Scott.
I was watching a random movie on Disney Channel called Lemonade Mouth, and this song was in it. It reminded me of a friend, and then the more I listened to it throughout the summer, I realized it described me as well. I went from that girl who never talked to anyone to the girl who had more friends than she used to want. The old me is gone, and I can officially say that you can look, but you won't see the girl I used to be.
10. Stand by Rascal Flatts.
I used to listen to country all the time when I was younger, but as I grew older, my selection narrowed from all country to certain groups. My main one was Rascal Flatts, and I fell head over heels for this song. I listened to it after a very good friend of mine stopped talking to me, and after I fought world war three with my mother. I don't lay down and let people walk all over me anymore, and I'll never let that happen again.
11. Smile by Uncle Kracker.
I'll be honest... I used to smile because it was expected, not because it was something that I wanted to do. Now.. I have at least five people that make me think of this song, and I smile. Taylor, Jacob, Sammi, Megan, and Steven can ALWAYS make me smile when I'm upset about something. This song makes me think of them, and therefore I smile like the sun.
12. Everything by Lifehouse.
A little background before I explain this one: I was...violated in September 2010, and I attended a Catholic Youth retreat called Search in December 2010. I was exactly thrilled to be there, I'd completely lost my faith in God due to the incident, and it took the "Everything Skit", which is a skit based on this song, to make me realize just how far gone I was. I listen to this song when I'm feeling particularly lost and alone, or just in general to make myself feel better. To this day, the skit makes me cry, as does the song when I'm feeling down.
Well, there it is. The soundtrack of my life.
My Heart
My heart used to be something that I kept entirely to myself, I only shared my inner most thoughts and feelings with one person. Now, I'm pretty sure that five people have some piece of my heart with them. These are the people that I hold closest to my heart, they're the ones that I trust with things, a few with everything. I suppose I'm writing this for them, so that they know just what I mean.
Sammi: You...you're my twin. You know me like the back of your hand, we're just so much alike. It still amazes me that we're in the same situation, and have no clue what we want or what to do. I love that I come to you with anything that I have going on, and you generally have an answer or some form of advice, especially since we're both in the same spot. You have that little piece of my heart that gives me confidence. The fact that you accepted me as I was, broken and screwed up, meant a lot. You gave me the confidence that I needed to grow up and out of my shell. Thanks Twin, I owe you one.
Megan: Gee Megs. I don't know where to begin. You are like my sanity, and I don't know what I would do without you. While Sam was gone, I lacked that girlfriend that I needed to talk too about my girl problems, and you were right there. I love being your wedding planner/bridesmaid/back up maid of honor/shoe picker. It's very...eventful. You have that part of my heart that lets me laugh. You can ALWAYS make me giggle like crazy, even when I'm down about something. You really have no idea how much that means to me.
Taylor: Goodness Tay Tay...I'm not exactly sure what to say. I could say that you were the first guy I've trusted in a long time, and it's very true. Talking to you those nights at work...well, you got me to listen, and I actually opened up to you. You have that piece of my heart that lets me trust. I guess I kind of gave that to you, seeing as you were the first person outside of Marcela that I trusted in a very long time. Thanks Taylor, you're such an amazing friend, and I love you.
Marcela: My dearest Cela. Gosh girl how I love you. You and I...we're insane. We've been there for each other through it all, up until recently. I really want to get that back, I miss talking to you. You're most definitely one of my bestest friends, and I wish that you were going to Tech. You have that piece of my heart that give the courage to stand up for what I believe in. When I'm having a Faith crisis, I look to you for inspiration. You're such a strong young woman, and sometimes I honestly wish that I was more like you.
Jacob: You're my best friend. I trust you above almost everyone (Sam and Meg are right there with you), and would do absolutely anything for you. You're my secret keeper, the obnoxious to my polite. You're that missing puzzle piece that I needed to break out of my wall. You have the part of my heart that lets me love people. I'm not saying its because I was in love with you, I'm saying its because you showed me how to love someone. You're the reason that I know how to love people, living in a wall for years kind of takes away your people skills. I love you, even if your a pain in my ass sometimes. Thanks for setting me free.
Sammi: You...you're my twin. You know me like the back of your hand, we're just so much alike. It still amazes me that we're in the same situation, and have no clue what we want or what to do. I love that I come to you with anything that I have going on, and you generally have an answer or some form of advice, especially since we're both in the same spot. You have that little piece of my heart that gives me confidence. The fact that you accepted me as I was, broken and screwed up, meant a lot. You gave me the confidence that I needed to grow up and out of my shell. Thanks Twin, I owe you one.
Megan: Gee Megs. I don't know where to begin. You are like my sanity, and I don't know what I would do without you. While Sam was gone, I lacked that girlfriend that I needed to talk too about my girl problems, and you were right there. I love being your wedding planner/bridesmaid/back up maid of honor/shoe picker. It's very...eventful. You have that part of my heart that lets me laugh. You can ALWAYS make me giggle like crazy, even when I'm down about something. You really have no idea how much that means to me.
Taylor: Goodness Tay Tay...I'm not exactly sure what to say. I could say that you were the first guy I've trusted in a long time, and it's very true. Talking to you those nights at work...well, you got me to listen, and I actually opened up to you. You have that piece of my heart that lets me trust. I guess I kind of gave that to you, seeing as you were the first person outside of Marcela that I trusted in a very long time. Thanks Taylor, you're such an amazing friend, and I love you.
Marcela: My dearest Cela. Gosh girl how I love you. You and I...we're insane. We've been there for each other through it all, up until recently. I really want to get that back, I miss talking to you. You're most definitely one of my bestest friends, and I wish that you were going to Tech. You have that piece of my heart that give the courage to stand up for what I believe in. When I'm having a Faith crisis, I look to you for inspiration. You're such a strong young woman, and sometimes I honestly wish that I was more like you.
Jacob: You're my best friend. I trust you above almost everyone (Sam and Meg are right there with you), and would do absolutely anything for you. You're my secret keeper, the obnoxious to my polite. You're that missing puzzle piece that I needed to break out of my wall. You have the part of my heart that lets me love people. I'm not saying its because I was in love with you, I'm saying its because you showed me how to love someone. You're the reason that I know how to love people, living in a wall for years kind of takes away your people skills. I love you, even if your a pain in my ass sometimes. Thanks for setting me free.
Almost There
This whole summer has been full of love, heartbreak, new friendships, and preparations.
It's been a summer of firsts, a summer to remember.
I fell in love for the first time this summer.
I started hanging out with my beloved Jacob, Sammi, and Megan.
I got to know Jake and Taylor better.
Hell, I got to know myself a little better.
But now, it's time to close that chapter in my life, and begin a new one. To be honest, I'm very excited. It's that level of excitement that can barely be contained. I'm usually pretty hyper, but the thought of starting college in less than a week has me jumping up and down like a little kid. I literally can't wait until this Saturday when I officially move to Russellville and start that new chapter. I already have my bags packed, they're just waiting for Saturday morning.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not completely closing this chapter. My best friends are still going to be Jacob, Sammi, and Megan. I plan on visiting all three of them as often as I'm able too. I have epic plans for Jacob's birthday, and epic plans for Megan's wedding. Sammi and I are just a great pair...so we'll see how well that goes. I'll treasure the memories that we made, and I'll definitely miss Jake and Taylor.
I fully intend on those five people playing huge parts in this new chapter that will begin on Saturday. But there will be new players too. I'm sort of talking to a guy named Keifer, and I'm very interested to see where this goes. He's a great guy, funny too. He makes me smile :)
I have a feeling that I'm going to get close to Cassie and Lauren again, and Leaundra too. I think that Chandra and I will grow closer as well, and maybe even Sarah.
I know that I'll make new friends, but I love having familiar faces in a not so familiar place. I'll feel less alone that way.
I keep looking over at all my things piled on one side of my room, and feel the excitement grow just a little bit more. I'm going to either explode or go insane before Saturday, I can already tell. I'm literally bouncing up and down as I write this. I'm almost there, almost to a fresh start. It's one of those "so close, yet so far" kind of things. I have two more days of this chapter left, then... hello new one.
I'm so excited to continue writing the story of my life, college is going to be epic :)
It's been a summer of firsts, a summer to remember.
I fell in love for the first time this summer.
I started hanging out with my beloved Jacob, Sammi, and Megan.
I got to know Jake and Taylor better.
Hell, I got to know myself a little better.
But now, it's time to close that chapter in my life, and begin a new one. To be honest, I'm very excited. It's that level of excitement that can barely be contained. I'm usually pretty hyper, but the thought of starting college in less than a week has me jumping up and down like a little kid. I literally can't wait until this Saturday when I officially move to Russellville and start that new chapter. I already have my bags packed, they're just waiting for Saturday morning.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not completely closing this chapter. My best friends are still going to be Jacob, Sammi, and Megan. I plan on visiting all three of them as often as I'm able too. I have epic plans for Jacob's birthday, and epic plans for Megan's wedding. Sammi and I are just a great pair...so we'll see how well that goes. I'll treasure the memories that we made, and I'll definitely miss Jake and Taylor.
I fully intend on those five people playing huge parts in this new chapter that will begin on Saturday. But there will be new players too. I'm sort of talking to a guy named Keifer, and I'm very interested to see where this goes. He's a great guy, funny too. He makes me smile :)
I have a feeling that I'm going to get close to Cassie and Lauren again, and Leaundra too. I think that Chandra and I will grow closer as well, and maybe even Sarah.
I know that I'll make new friends, but I love having familiar faces in a not so familiar place. I'll feel less alone that way.
I keep looking over at all my things piled on one side of my room, and feel the excitement grow just a little bit more. I'm going to either explode or go insane before Saturday, I can already tell. I'm literally bouncing up and down as I write this. I'm almost there, almost to a fresh start. It's one of those "so close, yet so far" kind of things. I have two more days of this chapter left, then... hello new one.
I'm so excited to continue writing the story of my life, college is going to be epic :)
Moving On
I leave for college in approxiamately five days. I can't wait! I'm so excited for a new beginning, a fresh start. Unfortunately, I have some extra baggage that I don't particularly want to take with me...so it's time to write it out.
First thing: My Nightmare.
I don't exactly have the nightmare anymore, but it's more a of a person now. There was once a time when I thought he and I were meant to be together, in fact, I thought that I loved him. I guess I did, just not in the way I thought. I was a young, naive 16 year old sophomore in high school. I don't think I even knew what love was back then. I wanted to be his girlfriend so badly, I do remember that. I also remember that my parents HATED him, and his parents loathed me. His mother was always telling him that I was a jealous bitch who would do anything in my power to make him mine. My mother always told me that he would try to make me do things that I didn't want too. Guess who was right? My mother. I learned a few days ago that my little sister was telling people a whole bunch of lies about herself, namely that she'd had sex several times before. I also learned that she was arranging to meet this guy that she'd never met so they could "fuck" as she put it. I didn't know anything about any of it until five or so days ago. Now, my worry level is spiked because I don't want the same thing to happen to her. I worry constantly, but I can't let myself dwell on what happened to me. I have to trust that my stepfather is taking the matter into his hands and won't let anything happen to her when I leave in five days.
Here lately I've been listening to music. In fact, I listen to so many different songs by so many different artists over and over again that I've nearly memorized at least four new songs. One song in particular keeps popping into my head at the most inappropriate moments. No Air by Jordin Sparks.
You see, there's this boy, and he quite literally takes my breath away. I was (am?) so deeply in love with him, and now that he's with someone else, it feels like I'm trying to live without the very air that I breathe. I'm healing now, and starting to get over the hurt, but that doesn't mean everything has changed. I'll admit that I've given up on him ever coming back, my reason being that I don't want to waste my time waiting around for something that may never happen. However, I still feel like I don't have air to breath, or a heart that beats.
How am I supposed to breathe with no air?
I didn't think it was possible at first, but now...now I can do it. It's simply really. I just inhale, and breathe in oxygen rather than the smell of his shirt. I exhale carbon dioxide instead of little bubbles of happiness.
My world is slowly fixing itself, turning itself right side up again.
I'm slowly rebuilding the ruins of my heart, and the personality of the girl within.
Once again, I'm going to shine.
I'm not going to hide behind a mask of pain, and let myself be who I really am.
I don't need this boy to survive. He's just a memory of the past. True we're still best friend's, but that's totally different. I guess I could I say that I need him, just not in a romantic way.
I'm going to shine, and I'm going to make my dreams happen.
I'll sing out, let my voice carry the words to whatever song happens to be in my head.
I'll dance, letting my feet move to the rhythm of whatever song happens to be blaring from my speakers.
I'll write, letting the words flow across the page just like they float through my head.
Moving on is hard, don't get me wrong. To be honest, it SUCKS. I don't like filing away the happiest two months of life under the title "Do Not Think About". But what I have to do, well, I just have to let it go.
I need to take my own advice and roll with the waves that life throws my way.
I can't say that I'll move on quickly, but I will eventually reach the point where he is just a memory from the past, and my best friend/secret keeper.
I won't wait forever, and moving on is becoming easier the more I think about it.
Goodbye old, hello new :)
First thing: My Nightmare.
I don't exactly have the nightmare anymore, but it's more a of a person now. There was once a time when I thought he and I were meant to be together, in fact, I thought that I loved him. I guess I did, just not in the way I thought. I was a young, naive 16 year old sophomore in high school. I don't think I even knew what love was back then. I wanted to be his girlfriend so badly, I do remember that. I also remember that my parents HATED him, and his parents loathed me. His mother was always telling him that I was a jealous bitch who would do anything in my power to make him mine. My mother always told me that he would try to make me do things that I didn't want too. Guess who was right? My mother. I learned a few days ago that my little sister was telling people a whole bunch of lies about herself, namely that she'd had sex several times before. I also learned that she was arranging to meet this guy that she'd never met so they could "fuck" as she put it. I didn't know anything about any of it until five or so days ago. Now, my worry level is spiked because I don't want the same thing to happen to her. I worry constantly, but I can't let myself dwell on what happened to me. I have to trust that my stepfather is taking the matter into his hands and won't let anything happen to her when I leave in five days.
Here lately I've been listening to music. In fact, I listen to so many different songs by so many different artists over and over again that I've nearly memorized at least four new songs. One song in particular keeps popping into my head at the most inappropriate moments. No Air by Jordin Sparks.
You see, there's this boy, and he quite literally takes my breath away. I was (am?) so deeply in love with him, and now that he's with someone else, it feels like I'm trying to live without the very air that I breathe. I'm healing now, and starting to get over the hurt, but that doesn't mean everything has changed. I'll admit that I've given up on him ever coming back, my reason being that I don't want to waste my time waiting around for something that may never happen. However, I still feel like I don't have air to breath, or a heart that beats.
How am I supposed to breathe with no air?
I didn't think it was possible at first, but now...now I can do it. It's simply really. I just inhale, and breathe in oxygen rather than the smell of his shirt. I exhale carbon dioxide instead of little bubbles of happiness.
My world is slowly fixing itself, turning itself right side up again.
I'm slowly rebuilding the ruins of my heart, and the personality of the girl within.
Once again, I'm going to shine.
I'm not going to hide behind a mask of pain, and let myself be who I really am.
I don't need this boy to survive. He's just a memory of the past. True we're still best friend's, but that's totally different. I guess I could I say that I need him, just not in a romantic way.
I'm going to shine, and I'm going to make my dreams happen.
I'll sing out, let my voice carry the words to whatever song happens to be in my head.
I'll dance, letting my feet move to the rhythm of whatever song happens to be blaring from my speakers.
I'll write, letting the words flow across the page just like they float through my head.
Moving on is hard, don't get me wrong. To be honest, it SUCKS. I don't like filing away the happiest two months of life under the title "Do Not Think About". But what I have to do, well, I just have to let it go.
I need to take my own advice and roll with the waves that life throws my way.
I can't say that I'll move on quickly, but I will eventually reach the point where he is just a memory from the past, and my best friend/secret keeper.
I won't wait forever, and moving on is becoming easier the more I think about it.
Goodbye old, hello new :)
New Beginnings
Here lately, I've been viewing the world through new eyes. Well...not literally, but my view has changed. For the last two months, I've been absolutely oblivious to what's been going on around me. I was living on a cloud in a dream world that no longer exists. I suppose I should say thank you to the two friends who popped that little bubble of bliss. It was overrated and ridiculous.
All of this came crashing down on me Wendesday afternoon. My stepfather built a third level to our deck, he uses it for target practice. Well, Wednesday afternoon, I climbed the ladder to that third level, and was met with a spectacular view. I was level with the tree tops, and since I live on a hill, the view down to the valley was amazing. I could see the farm, and I could see all the way over to the next hill, where Greystone is. I sat out there for at least an hour, just sitting and taking in the view. My thoughts were running around of course, but that's alright. I found that I could breathe up there, and just how peaceful it was. As the night went on, I began to see things with new eyes.
I started to notice the little things outside, like the way the leaves sounded when a breeze would ruffle them. I could hear the little frogs and crickets outside my window that night, creating there own little melody. I could feel the wind tangling my already messy hair, and I could feel the slight chill of it on my skin. I watched a snake slither around on the ground below my perch on that third level, and I watched him disappear from view. The whole time I was up there, I was talking to my best friend, and I found that I could actually talk to him, and not feel hurt or upset that he had actually blown me off earlier. I realized that there are more important things in life than waiting for a love that may never happen again.
I was trying so hard to live in the past that I wasn't paying attention to the present.
But all that's changed.
I'm living in the here and now, rather then what used to be.
The here and now involves new people, new beginnings.
I leave for college in exactly one week from today, and let me say that I can't wait. I'm going to miss all my friends here at home, especially Jacob and Megan. However, I'm looking forward to new adventures with new faces. I'll definitely miss my new spot, that magnificent third level on my deck, but hey, I'll come home for visits. I can't wait to meet new people, and work on the growing friendship between myself and Keifer. Lake Dardanelle and Mount Nebo aren't far from Arkansas Tech's campus, so there will be plenty of time to appreciate nature. Tech's campus is beautiful, and there's trees all around, and tons of benches outdoors for me to sit on and study. I can't wait to start classes, and start learning new things. I'm a nerd at heart, and am psyched for my cultural anthropology class. I can't say that I'm excited about Math or Bowling, but oh well, it's all for a good cause.
I don't need to live in the past anymore, I have a bright future ahead of me. Don't get me wrong, I'll always treasure the memories, and I'll definitely enjoy taking them out to admire every once in a while. But now I have the oppurtunity to make new memories, and make things happen. I'll keep my Jacob and my Megan close to my heart, and I'll make sure to talk to them every day. But here's to new beginnings, and the here and now :)
All of this came crashing down on me Wendesday afternoon. My stepfather built a third level to our deck, he uses it for target practice. Well, Wednesday afternoon, I climbed the ladder to that third level, and was met with a spectacular view. I was level with the tree tops, and since I live on a hill, the view down to the valley was amazing. I could see the farm, and I could see all the way over to the next hill, where Greystone is. I sat out there for at least an hour, just sitting and taking in the view. My thoughts were running around of course, but that's alright. I found that I could breathe up there, and just how peaceful it was. As the night went on, I began to see things with new eyes.
I started to notice the little things outside, like the way the leaves sounded when a breeze would ruffle them. I could hear the little frogs and crickets outside my window that night, creating there own little melody. I could feel the wind tangling my already messy hair, and I could feel the slight chill of it on my skin. I watched a snake slither around on the ground below my perch on that third level, and I watched him disappear from view. The whole time I was up there, I was talking to my best friend, and I found that I could actually talk to him, and not feel hurt or upset that he had actually blown me off earlier. I realized that there are more important things in life than waiting for a love that may never happen again.
I was trying so hard to live in the past that I wasn't paying attention to the present.
But all that's changed.
I'm living in the here and now, rather then what used to be.
The here and now involves new people, new beginnings.
I leave for college in exactly one week from today, and let me say that I can't wait. I'm going to miss all my friends here at home, especially Jacob and Megan. However, I'm looking forward to new adventures with new faces. I'll definitely miss my new spot, that magnificent third level on my deck, but hey, I'll come home for visits. I can't wait to meet new people, and work on the growing friendship between myself and Keifer. Lake Dardanelle and Mount Nebo aren't far from Arkansas Tech's campus, so there will be plenty of time to appreciate nature. Tech's campus is beautiful, and there's trees all around, and tons of benches outdoors for me to sit on and study. I can't wait to start classes, and start learning new things. I'm a nerd at heart, and am psyched for my cultural anthropology class. I can't say that I'm excited about Math or Bowling, but oh well, it's all for a good cause.
I don't need to live in the past anymore, I have a bright future ahead of me. Don't get me wrong, I'll always treasure the memories, and I'll definitely enjoy taking them out to admire every once in a while. But now I have the oppurtunity to make new memories, and make things happen. I'll keep my Jacob and my Megan close to my heart, and I'll make sure to talk to them every day. But here's to new beginnings, and the here and now :)
I am Me. Plain and Simple
I am Me. Plain and Simple
Here recently I've had some people pressuring me to change who I am. Well forget it, it's not going too happen. I am ME. Plain and Simple.
I know that I'm loud.
I know that I'm crazy.
I know that I love to laugh.
I know that my eyes shine when I'm happy.
I know that I crinkle my nose when I laugh.
I know that my eyes will always give away my true emotions.
I know that I try to put others before myself.
I know that I'm afraid of my own emotions for the most part, but I know when the feelings are real.
I know the difference between love and infatuation.
I know that what I feel right now for a certain person is love, not that irrational fake thing most people think of as love.
I know that I hate being told how to feel.
I know that I have really big brown eyes that some think are beautiful, but that I dislike.
I know that I have naturally brownish blonde hair that curls when it wants too, and goes all frizzy when it doesn't.
I know that my feet are size 8 1/2.
I know that I have small hands.
I know that I'm usually cold.
I know that blue is my favorite color.
I know that I love to help people.
I know that English is my favorite subject.
I know that there are few people that I trust.
I know that I adore musicals.
I know that I'm posting this blog because I'm absolutely pissed right now.
I know that my heart is bruised and broken.
I know that I love watching Tom and Jerry.
I know that I love Michigan.
I know that I love to read.
I know that I'm ready for a new beginning.
I know that I can't wait for move in day, and for classes to start.
I know that I love to dance.
I know that I eat, sleep, and breathe music.
I know that I absolutely hate brussell sprouts.
I know that Jane Eyre is my favorite book.
I know that Samantha Weldon is the twin that God forgot to give me.
I know that I don't like to take my shirt off during sex.
I know that I can speak Spanish very well, and I could probably be fluent if I'd practice.
I know that I have weak ankles.
I know that I'm a secret keeper.
I know that singing is a hobby of mine.
I know that I can't draw very well (stick figures are my specialty)
I know that I don't like beef or pork very much.
I know that I could probably be a vegetarian.
I know that I love the rain.
I know that I hate rain during the winter.
I know that wet socks drive me crazy.
I know that Jacob Ross and Samantha Weldom can make me smile, no matter how bad my day has been.
I know that I think the Smurfs are super cute.
I know that I'm a flirt.
I know that I'm a tease.
I know that I'm claustrophobic.
I know that I absolutely hate being forced to do anything.
I know that I have weird little quirks in my personality.
I know that want to go to England.
I know that I miss Rose Arnold and sharing chocolate muffins at lunch.
But most of all, I know who I am.
I am Mareena Keigh Gilbert.
I am ME. It's that plain. It's that simple.
I know that I'm loud.
I know that I'm crazy.
I know that I love to laugh.
I know that my eyes shine when I'm happy.
I know that I crinkle my nose when I laugh.
I know that my eyes will always give away my true emotions.
I know that I try to put others before myself.
I know that I'm afraid of my own emotions for the most part, but I know when the feelings are real.
I know the difference between love and infatuation.
I know that what I feel right now for a certain person is love, not that irrational fake thing most people think of as love.
I know that I hate being told how to feel.
I know that I have really big brown eyes that some think are beautiful, but that I dislike.
I know that I have naturally brownish blonde hair that curls when it wants too, and goes all frizzy when it doesn't.
I know that my feet are size 8 1/2.
I know that I have small hands.
I know that I'm usually cold.
I know that blue is my favorite color.
I know that I love to help people.
I know that English is my favorite subject.
I know that there are few people that I trust.
I know that I adore musicals.
I know that I'm posting this blog because I'm absolutely pissed right now.
I know that my heart is bruised and broken.
I know that I love watching Tom and Jerry.
I know that I love Michigan.
I know that I love to read.
I know that I'm ready for a new beginning.
I know that I can't wait for move in day, and for classes to start.
I know that I love to dance.
I know that I eat, sleep, and breathe music.
I know that I absolutely hate brussell sprouts.
I know that Jane Eyre is my favorite book.
I know that Samantha Weldon is the twin that God forgot to give me.
I know that I don't like to take my shirt off during sex.
I know that I can speak Spanish very well, and I could probably be fluent if I'd practice.
I know that I have weak ankles.
I know that I'm a secret keeper.
I know that singing is a hobby of mine.
I know that I can't draw very well (stick figures are my specialty)
I know that I don't like beef or pork very much.
I know that I could probably be a vegetarian.
I know that I love the rain.
I know that I hate rain during the winter.
I know that wet socks drive me crazy.
I know that Jacob Ross and Samantha Weldom can make me smile, no matter how bad my day has been.
I know that I think the Smurfs are super cute.
I know that I'm a flirt.
I know that I'm a tease.
I know that I'm claustrophobic.
I know that I absolutely hate being forced to do anything.
I know that I have weird little quirks in my personality.
I know that want to go to England.
I know that I miss Rose Arnold and sharing chocolate muffins at lunch.
But most of all, I know who I am.
I am Mareena Keigh Gilbert.
I am ME. It's that plain. It's that simple.
101 Things
Recently, a friend pointed out that they barely know anything about me, so I took a cue from another friend (she made a list of 100 things for her boyfriend). Here's to all those who care to know the little things about me.
1. My favorite color is blue.
2. I love cheese dip.
3. I'm easily amused when I'm tired.
4. I read a lot.
5. I'm OCD.
6. I hate fast food.
7. I can use chopsticks.
8. Jane Eyre is my favorite book.
9. I listen to all kinds of music.
10. Break Your Little Heart by All Time Low is my favorite song.
11. I own over 300 books.
12. I was molested when I was 16.
13. I have trust issues.
14. I've only fallen in love once.
15. I'm compassionate.
16. I speak spanish well, but not fluently.
17. I have 9 sisters, and 7 brothers.
18. I'm double majoring in English and Psychology.
19. The Smurfs and Tom and Jerry are my favorite cartoons.
20. I want to move to England.
21. Goober, Luna, and Lupin are my best friends :)
22. I was adopted when I was in the 3rd grade.
23. I think sex is overrated.
24. I have an emotional wall.
25. Life is my favorite board game.
26. All Time Low is my favorite band.
27. I'm Catholic.
28. My biological mother hates me.
29. My adoptive mother is only 16 years older than me.
30. Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney movie.
31. I used to be shy.
32. I like to lay out under the stars.
33. I used to cut.
34. I love coconuts.
35. I don't eat red meat very often.
36. I still sleep with a teddy bear.
37. I love to sing and dance.
38. English is my favorite subject.
39. Writing makes me feel better.
40. Music is my escape.
41. I love the ocean.
42. I have a volatile temper.
43. I'm very protective of my friends and family.
44. Photography is one of my hobbies.
45. I used to be a health nut.
46. I like to help people.
47. I feel more comfortable in the back of Sunshine's truck than anywhere else.
48. My eyes give away my true emotions.
49. My heart is currently broken and unavailable.
50. I'm afraid of grasshoppers.
51. My name means "sea loving".
52. My middle name is spelled "Keigh" but pronounced "Kay".
53. I love classic literature.
54. William Blake is my favorite poet/philosopher.
55. Shakespeare is my favorite writer.
56. Goober is my secret keeper.
57. I like blueberries and roses.
58. I can't draw.
59. I like to dance in the rain.
60. I cry a lot, especially when I'm mad.
61. Mythology interests me.
62. Chicago is one of my favorite places.
63. I used to go to Lake Pickthorn to think.
64. I collect beanie babies.
65. I thorw things when I'm mad.
66. I'm very weird.
67. Brussell sprouts make me ill.
68. I'm very accident prone.
69. I'm tough.
70. I'm a germaphob.
71. I always have a song stuck in my head.
72. I love musicals.
73. I wanted to be on Broadway when I was younger.
74. I dream big.
75. I love water.
76. Fishing bores me.
77. Hunting makes me sick.
78. Snakes amuse me.
79. Spiders make me giggle.
80. I can be very quiet.
81. There are things that only Goober knows.
82. I let my heart and instincts guide me.
83. I hate spending money.
84. I love nature.
85. I run when I feel like I should.
86. I tend to fight for what I believe in.
87. I have a guardian angel.
88. Everything by Lifehouse changed my life.
89. Michigan is my favorite state.
90. Snow makes me happy.
91. Venice is the one place I want to see before I die.
92. The color pink annoys me.
93. Shopping distracts me.
94. Hope is my favorite word.
95. I'm a very determined person.
96. Thunderstorms make me smile.
97. I love the smell of rain.
98. I only trust one boy.
99. I worry a lot.
100. Zours are my favorite candy.
101. I do my best to keep the promises that I make.
Well, there it is. 101 random facts about me. I hope you learn something, enjoy the randomness.
1. My favorite color is blue.
2. I love cheese dip.
3. I'm easily amused when I'm tired.
4. I read a lot.
5. I'm OCD.
6. I hate fast food.
7. I can use chopsticks.
8. Jane Eyre is my favorite book.
9. I listen to all kinds of music.
10. Break Your Little Heart by All Time Low is my favorite song.
11. I own over 300 books.
12. I was molested when I was 16.
13. I have trust issues.
14. I've only fallen in love once.
15. I'm compassionate.
16. I speak spanish well, but not fluently.
17. I have 9 sisters, and 7 brothers.
18. I'm double majoring in English and Psychology.
19. The Smurfs and Tom and Jerry are my favorite cartoons.
20. I want to move to England.
21. Goober, Luna, and Lupin are my best friends :)
22. I was adopted when I was in the 3rd grade.
23. I think sex is overrated.
24. I have an emotional wall.
25. Life is my favorite board game.
26. All Time Low is my favorite band.
27. I'm Catholic.
28. My biological mother hates me.
29. My adoptive mother is only 16 years older than me.
30. Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney movie.
31. I used to be shy.
32. I like to lay out under the stars.
33. I used to cut.
34. I love coconuts.
35. I don't eat red meat very often.
36. I still sleep with a teddy bear.
37. I love to sing and dance.
38. English is my favorite subject.
39. Writing makes me feel better.
40. Music is my escape.
41. I love the ocean.
42. I have a volatile temper.
43. I'm very protective of my friends and family.
44. Photography is one of my hobbies.
45. I used to be a health nut.
46. I like to help people.
47. I feel more comfortable in the back of Sunshine's truck than anywhere else.
48. My eyes give away my true emotions.
49. My heart is currently broken and unavailable.
50. I'm afraid of grasshoppers.
51. My name means "sea loving".
52. My middle name is spelled "Keigh" but pronounced "Kay".
53. I love classic literature.
54. William Blake is my favorite poet/philosopher.
55. Shakespeare is my favorite writer.
56. Goober is my secret keeper.
57. I like blueberries and roses.
58. I can't draw.
59. I like to dance in the rain.
60. I cry a lot, especially when I'm mad.
61. Mythology interests me.
62. Chicago is one of my favorite places.
63. I used to go to Lake Pickthorn to think.
64. I collect beanie babies.
65. I thorw things when I'm mad.
66. I'm very weird.
67. Brussell sprouts make me ill.
68. I'm very accident prone.
69. I'm tough.
70. I'm a germaphob.
71. I always have a song stuck in my head.
72. I love musicals.
73. I wanted to be on Broadway when I was younger.
74. I dream big.
75. I love water.
76. Fishing bores me.
77. Hunting makes me sick.
78. Snakes amuse me.
79. Spiders make me giggle.
80. I can be very quiet.
81. There are things that only Goober knows.
82. I let my heart and instincts guide me.
83. I hate spending money.
84. I love nature.
85. I run when I feel like I should.
86. I tend to fight for what I believe in.
87. I have a guardian angel.
88. Everything by Lifehouse changed my life.
89. Michigan is my favorite state.
90. Snow makes me happy.
91. Venice is the one place I want to see before I die.
92. The color pink annoys me.
93. Shopping distracts me.
94. Hope is my favorite word.
95. I'm a very determined person.
96. Thunderstorms make me smile.
97. I love the smell of rain.
98. I only trust one boy.
99. I worry a lot.
100. Zours are my favorite candy.
101. I do my best to keep the promises that I make.
Well, there it is. 101 random facts about me. I hope you learn something, enjoy the randomness.
Hope
About a week ago, a good friend of mine gave me a stone with the word "hope" written on it. I carried it with me every where, mainly to remind myself that there is always hope, even in the most bleak situation. Whenever I'd lose my grip on the tiny shred of hope that lives in me, I'd take out that rock, and hang onto it for dear life.
I no longer have this rock, and here's why.
Hope can't be kept selfishly to one's self, it should be shared, especially with those who most need it. Today, I learned that some people very near my heart where involved in a very dangerous situation, and needed to be helped.
A good friend of mine's father is bipolar, and unfortunately, he's having another "episode". I was asked to babysit the youngest boy today, so when I went to pick him up, my friend (who's 16) basically threw me out of the house, and told me to get of the house and not come back until later on. So I took my friend to practice, and spent the day with his seven-year-old kid brother. When band practice was over, I went to pick him up, and took him to get his schedule for classes, mainly to help his mother out.
While I was sitting in the hallway outside the high school library, I got a phone call. His mom was freaking out, telling me not to bring the boys back to the house until she text me.
I knew what was going by this time, and I'll admit that I was a little scared. My friend's father had come by the house last night, and busted in a window. He'd also attempted to set the whole place on fire. I'm not really sure what happened exactly after that, but I'm assuming he went looking for the boys while they were with me, and was pissed when he couldn't find them.
I took them to a friend's house with me, and I informed my friend as to what was happening.
About an hour later, their mom text me, telling me to bring them home. When I pulled in the driveway, their older sister's car was backed up to the door, and so was their mother's. Their were bags and boxes in the yard, so it was obvious that they were leaving town.
I helped them pack, and even took some of their collectibles with me so that they wouldn't be damaged if he turned back up at the house while they were gone.
I remember how hopeless their mother felt, and I remember watching her break down and just sob. The kids didn't have much hope either...one was resigned, one was pissed, the other was to young to understand what was going on.
Now back to the rock. I was in the bathroom with the sister, helping her make sure she had all the things she would need, and could tell that she wasn't exactly hopeful about anything. So...I pulled the stone out of my purse, and handed it to her.
I told her to share it with her mother, and her brothers.
However, without that little stone, I feel hopeless. I'm worried that something is going to happen to them...and if something does, I'm pretty sure that it'll hurt more than anything else at this point. These people are my family, their mother is practically my mother.
I'm praying and trying to keep my hopes up, and I'm doing my best to believe that everything is going to be alright.
They're coming back as soon as the father goes to jail, so hopefully it won't be too long.
I love them all with all my heart, and I hope that everything goes well.
I no longer have this rock, and here's why.
Hope can't be kept selfishly to one's self, it should be shared, especially with those who most need it. Today, I learned that some people very near my heart where involved in a very dangerous situation, and needed to be helped.
A good friend of mine's father is bipolar, and unfortunately, he's having another "episode". I was asked to babysit the youngest boy today, so when I went to pick him up, my friend (who's 16) basically threw me out of the house, and told me to get of the house and not come back until later on. So I took my friend to practice, and spent the day with his seven-year-old kid brother. When band practice was over, I went to pick him up, and took him to get his schedule for classes, mainly to help his mother out.
While I was sitting in the hallway outside the high school library, I got a phone call. His mom was freaking out, telling me not to bring the boys back to the house until she text me.
I knew what was going by this time, and I'll admit that I was a little scared. My friend's father had come by the house last night, and busted in a window. He'd also attempted to set the whole place on fire. I'm not really sure what happened exactly after that, but I'm assuming he went looking for the boys while they were with me, and was pissed when he couldn't find them.
I took them to a friend's house with me, and I informed my friend as to what was happening.
About an hour later, their mom text me, telling me to bring them home. When I pulled in the driveway, their older sister's car was backed up to the door, and so was their mother's. Their were bags and boxes in the yard, so it was obvious that they were leaving town.
I helped them pack, and even took some of their collectibles with me so that they wouldn't be damaged if he turned back up at the house while they were gone.
I remember how hopeless their mother felt, and I remember watching her break down and just sob. The kids didn't have much hope either...one was resigned, one was pissed, the other was to young to understand what was going on.
Now back to the rock. I was in the bathroom with the sister, helping her make sure she had all the things she would need, and could tell that she wasn't exactly hopeful about anything. So...I pulled the stone out of my purse, and handed it to her.
I told her to share it with her mother, and her brothers.
However, without that little stone, I feel hopeless. I'm worried that something is going to happen to them...and if something does, I'm pretty sure that it'll hurt more than anything else at this point. These people are my family, their mother is practically my mother.
I'm praying and trying to keep my hopes up, and I'm doing my best to believe that everything is going to be alright.
They're coming back as soon as the father goes to jail, so hopefully it won't be too long.
I love them all with all my heart, and I hope that everything goes well.
Music
I've always loved music, even when I was younger. I liked to dance, and sing along with the disney movie as a kid. But now that I'm older...music has been an escape.
For years now, my heartbreak routine has been to hole up in my room and listen to song after song after song, never really caring that people missed me, or were honestly concerned. I'd just let myself fall into the rhythms set before me, especially in band, and just let myself flow with the chords.
Being in band gave me a whole new perspective on music, and I started to appreciate the classics. I began to listen to Bach or Mozart, and recently, Jazz. Falling into the songs isn't exactly a constant thought anymore, it just happens. I lose sight of all my problems, and just go with it.
Unfortunately, I've lost sight of the whole idea of music. I reached a point five months ago where I thought that I didn't want to be in band anymore, and I basically stopped singing.
I'm not that girl who could be a fantastic musician if I'd practice, and I've been told that I can sing too (I tend disagree with that one).
Recently, I've started to rediscover the joy that music used to give me. Spending months with Luna, who practically breathes music, it was hard not too. She introduced me to some fabulous artists, and has me appreciating Jazz music more than I did before.
I'll lose myself in the words, the beats. I sing along with the radio, or just sing whatever song pops in head, whenever and wherever. Right now, "Smile" by Uncle Kracker is the constant, and it actually makes me think about people or places that make me happy.
For a long time, I've been thinking about giving up band, well, music actually.
My mind has been rejecting the idea of music for a long time now, but my heart is telling me that I need it to survive.
I eat, sleep, and breathe music.
I go to sleep with a song whirling through my head.
Music is an everyday thing for me, I don't think I can live without it. It's the very air I breathe, and I almost threw it away.
I have gifts, and according to some, I need to share those with the world.
I'm sorry to say that it took me until March 2011 for me to realize any of this.
We were playing a song called "Molly on the Shore", and I remember thinking that it was absolutely impossible to play it at the speed we were supposed too.
Then, one day, I did it. I played the hardest melody with perfect ease, and I cannot describe the joy I felt. It was a bouncy, bubbly tune, and it made me remember how I used to be the bouncy, bubbly seventh grader in Clarinet class.
Music is my drug, and it's always constant.
Music will never get up and leave me.
The never ending flow of notes will always hold me in its embrace, never letting me go.
Music is in my soul, and I'm not quite ready to give it up, so maybe I'll hang onto it for just a little longer.
For years now, my heartbreak routine has been to hole up in my room and listen to song after song after song, never really caring that people missed me, or were honestly concerned. I'd just let myself fall into the rhythms set before me, especially in band, and just let myself flow with the chords.
Being in band gave me a whole new perspective on music, and I started to appreciate the classics. I began to listen to Bach or Mozart, and recently, Jazz. Falling into the songs isn't exactly a constant thought anymore, it just happens. I lose sight of all my problems, and just go with it.
Unfortunately, I've lost sight of the whole idea of music. I reached a point five months ago where I thought that I didn't want to be in band anymore, and I basically stopped singing.
I'm not that girl who could be a fantastic musician if I'd practice, and I've been told that I can sing too (I tend disagree with that one).
Recently, I've started to rediscover the joy that music used to give me. Spending months with Luna, who practically breathes music, it was hard not too. She introduced me to some fabulous artists, and has me appreciating Jazz music more than I did before.
I'll lose myself in the words, the beats. I sing along with the radio, or just sing whatever song pops in head, whenever and wherever. Right now, "Smile" by Uncle Kracker is the constant, and it actually makes me think about people or places that make me happy.
For a long time, I've been thinking about giving up band, well, music actually.
My mind has been rejecting the idea of music for a long time now, but my heart is telling me that I need it to survive.
I eat, sleep, and breathe music.
I go to sleep with a song whirling through my head.
Music is an everyday thing for me, I don't think I can live without it. It's the very air I breathe, and I almost threw it away.
I have gifts, and according to some, I need to share those with the world.
I'm sorry to say that it took me until March 2011 for me to realize any of this.
We were playing a song called "Molly on the Shore", and I remember thinking that it was absolutely impossible to play it at the speed we were supposed too.
Then, one day, I did it. I played the hardest melody with perfect ease, and I cannot describe the joy I felt. It was a bouncy, bubbly tune, and it made me remember how I used to be the bouncy, bubbly seventh grader in Clarinet class.
Music is my drug, and it's always constant.
Music will never get up and leave me.
The never ending flow of notes will always hold me in its embrace, never letting me go.
Music is in my soul, and I'm not quite ready to give it up, so maybe I'll hang onto it for just a little longer.
Lessons Learned
I've always been told that I'm a smart girl, and I've always enjoyed learning. From the time I was a
toddler in day care I've enjoyed reading, writing, and just learning. However, I can honestly say that until recently, I was simply "book smart". I never really took the time to learn the lessons I would need to get through life, and I'm a little behind. I guess I could call these the "me lessons" because these two simple, yet important things have completely changed my personality.
Lesson #1: Running away is NEVER the answer.
For as long as I can remember, I've run away from confrontations, from pain. I don't necessarily mean physically running either, I've been known to emotionally shut down for weeks at a time. Now...I respond in a totally different way. I say what I think, and I don't bottle up my emotions anymore. For example, I'm head over heels in love with my best guy friend, and considering there are more than a few issues with our relationship at the moment, I've done quite a bit of running. Everytime I've run away, he's either followed me or not let go. To be honest, I don't even try to go anymore. It still crosses my mind, but being his best friend has made me realize a few things. One, he'll never let me get to far. Two, regardless of where I actually intend to run too, I will inevitably run to him. Three, running away is NEVER the answer. Staying and seeing things through is how it should be. It takes to courage to stand your ground when everything is falling apart around you. I've finally learned that, and I can say it makes my life easier.
Lesson #2: Shutting people out doesn't help.
I've always had lots of friends, but I never truly talked to those friends. I had a very short list of people I trusted enough to let behind my emotional "wall". I believe there were four throughtout my entire senior year. Now, seeing as I don't exactly have a wall anymore, there are way more people inside my head than I am used too. However, there are still things I keep between myself a few people. Thankfully, my very short list is now short, but definitely longer than four. It kind of sucks that it took me several years to learn this, but hey, better now than never. Honestly, I have to thank Sunshine for this one (he absolutely hates it when I call him that, oh well). Without him, I'd definitely still have my shell, and I would absolutely still have my wall. Our late night conversations at work, realizing that he's a great guy, and an even better friend, have definitely helped overall. I'm not saying he's the only one, because he's not. The best guy friend I've ever had has done his fair share of shoving, wedging, knocking over, and blowing up the wall I used to have. Hell, he's the reason that there isn't a wall anymore. I've got to say, I love both of these boys for what they've done for me. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.
I'm not the same girl who graduated high school just over a month ago. I've changed, grown up a little more. I owe quite a bit to Luna, Sunshine, and that best guy friend I keep referring too. Without those three people, I'd probably still be that hermit who would spend time with one friend, and no one else. I still devote a large amount of my time to that one friend, but I can now balance her with them. I'd be totally lost without those four. Thank you guys, I can now officially say lessons learned.
Lesson #1: Running away is NEVER the answer.
For as long as I can remember, I've run away from confrontations, from pain. I don't necessarily mean physically running either, I've been known to emotionally shut down for weeks at a time. Now...I respond in a totally different way. I say what I think, and I don't bottle up my emotions anymore. For example, I'm head over heels in love with my best guy friend, and considering there are more than a few issues with our relationship at the moment, I've done quite a bit of running. Everytime I've run away, he's either followed me or not let go. To be honest, I don't even try to go anymore. It still crosses my mind, but being his best friend has made me realize a few things. One, he'll never let me get to far. Two, regardless of where I actually intend to run too, I will inevitably run to him. Three, running away is NEVER the answer. Staying and seeing things through is how it should be. It takes to courage to stand your ground when everything is falling apart around you. I've finally learned that, and I can say it makes my life easier.
Lesson #2: Shutting people out doesn't help.
I've always had lots of friends, but I never truly talked to those friends. I had a very short list of people I trusted enough to let behind my emotional "wall". I believe there were four throughtout my entire senior year. Now, seeing as I don't exactly have a wall anymore, there are way more people inside my head than I am used too. However, there are still things I keep between myself a few people. Thankfully, my very short list is now short, but definitely longer than four. It kind of sucks that it took me several years to learn this, but hey, better now than never. Honestly, I have to thank Sunshine for this one (he absolutely hates it when I call him that, oh well). Without him, I'd definitely still have my shell, and I would absolutely still have my wall. Our late night conversations at work, realizing that he's a great guy, and an even better friend, have definitely helped overall. I'm not saying he's the only one, because he's not. The best guy friend I've ever had has done his fair share of shoving, wedging, knocking over, and blowing up the wall I used to have. Hell, he's the reason that there isn't a wall anymore. I've got to say, I love both of these boys for what they've done for me. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.
I'm not the same girl who graduated high school just over a month ago. I've changed, grown up a little more. I owe quite a bit to Luna, Sunshine, and that best guy friend I keep referring too. Without those three people, I'd probably still be that hermit who would spend time with one friend, and no one else. I still devote a large amount of my time to that one friend, but I can now balance her with them. I'd be totally lost without those four. Thank you guys, I can now officially say lessons learned.
Perfection
Today, my eleven-year-old sister made a statement that surprised me.
"Nothing is perfect," she said. How true, and yet how false.
She sees people's flaws, and sees them as inperfect..which I suppose could be true. But it's so false at the same time. I wish she would look past herself and notice that flaws are what makes a person. But no. She has enough trouble tearing her eyes away from her own reflection in the mirror.
I've always believed that I will find perfections in the imperfections. I'm not sure why I've felt this way, but I've felt like this since I've learned the difference between the two words.
This isn't to say that there aren't perfect moments, because there are. I mean, every one has those moments were they feel like it couldn't be better, which is what makes the moment perfect.
"So what makes a moment perfect?" shes asks.
I'm at a loss, I've never had to explain it before.
But.. I suppose the perfect moment is being with people you can truly be yourself around and laughing until you feel like you're going to die. Or being with someone you love so much that it nearly hurts. Or that first kiss after a first date where it's planned and spontaneous at the same time. Moments like that are what I would qualify as perfect moments.
"Well...I've never experienced any of those," she says.
Ahh but you will my darling little sister. Just wait, be patient, and roll with the waves life throws at you. You'll get your perfect moment one day, just make sure you're paying attention because you may not realize how perfect a moment could have been until it's already passed you.
"Nothing is perfect," she said. How true, and yet how false.
She sees people's flaws, and sees them as inperfect..which I suppose could be true. But it's so false at the same time. I wish she would look past herself and notice that flaws are what makes a person. But no. She has enough trouble tearing her eyes away from her own reflection in the mirror.
I've always believed that I will find perfections in the imperfections. I'm not sure why I've felt this way, but I've felt like this since I've learned the difference between the two words.
This isn't to say that there aren't perfect moments, because there are. I mean, every one has those moments were they feel like it couldn't be better, which is what makes the moment perfect.
"So what makes a moment perfect?" shes asks.
I'm at a loss, I've never had to explain it before.
But.. I suppose the perfect moment is being with people you can truly be yourself around and laughing until you feel like you're going to die. Or being with someone you love so much that it nearly hurts. Or that first kiss after a first date where it's planned and spontaneous at the same time. Moments like that are what I would qualify as perfect moments.
"Well...I've never experienced any of those," she says.
Ahh but you will my darling little sister. Just wait, be patient, and roll with the waves life throws at you. You'll get your perfect moment one day, just make sure you're paying attention because you may not realize how perfect a moment could have been until it's already passed you.
Changes
Everything changes.
Time. Places. People.
Trust me, I know.
For example, I've been told to use my imagination since I was a small child. Strangely enough, I couldn't tell you exactly what that meant until this very moment. Looking back, I remember playing with imaginary friends in an imaginary house with imaginary rooms. I remember running away from imaginary "bad guys".
But that was then, and this is now. I've graduated high school, I'm an adult. I've reached the stage in life where my imagination lies dormant for the majority of the time, only coming out at night when I'm dreaming. I'm learning who my true friends are, and what I want to do in life. I never said changes were fun.
As for me, my personality, I've gone from giggling little girl to cold hearted bitch to vulnerable young woman. I can't say any of those changes were fun either. Oddly enough, even if I could, I wouldn't go back to those days where my biggest fear was being alone in a dark place, or worrying that the "bad guy" would catch me.
I've learned that some changes can be good too...like the change I'm dealing with right now. For as long as I can remember, I've kept a wall up around me. I never let anyone to close, it didn't matter who you were or how long I'd known you. But now...there's this guy. And he can see straight through me. I'm not exactly sure how or why, and it freaks me out a little. My first instinct with people like him are to push them out, and retreat back inside, locking the figurative gate behind me and throwing away the key. But one of the only people I intentionally let through my figurative wall is trying to convince me to let him stay. Who knows, I just might. There is something cool about him...
I guess what I'm trying to say is...change is good. It doesn't matter if you like them at the moment or not. Each little thing you experience will have some effect on you, and will change you in some way, no matter how small. Eventually, you learn to just roll with it, and let it be.
Time. Places. People.
Trust me, I know.
For example, I've been told to use my imagination since I was a small child. Strangely enough, I couldn't tell you exactly what that meant until this very moment. Looking back, I remember playing with imaginary friends in an imaginary house with imaginary rooms. I remember running away from imaginary "bad guys".
But that was then, and this is now. I've graduated high school, I'm an adult. I've reached the stage in life where my imagination lies dormant for the majority of the time, only coming out at night when I'm dreaming. I'm learning who my true friends are, and what I want to do in life. I never said changes were fun.
As for me, my personality, I've gone from giggling little girl to cold hearted bitch to vulnerable young woman. I can't say any of those changes were fun either. Oddly enough, even if I could, I wouldn't go back to those days where my biggest fear was being alone in a dark place, or worrying that the "bad guy" would catch me.
I've learned that some changes can be good too...like the change I'm dealing with right now. For as long as I can remember, I've kept a wall up around me. I never let anyone to close, it didn't matter who you were or how long I'd known you. But now...there's this guy. And he can see straight through me. I'm not exactly sure how or why, and it freaks me out a little. My first instinct with people like him are to push them out, and retreat back inside, locking the figurative gate behind me and throwing away the key. But one of the only people I intentionally let through my figurative wall is trying to convince me to let him stay. Who knows, I just might. There is something cool about him...
I guess what I'm trying to say is...change is good. It doesn't matter if you like them at the moment or not. Each little thing you experience will have some effect on you, and will change you in some way, no matter how small. Eventually, you learn to just roll with it, and let it be.
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