Moving On

I leave for college in approxiamately five days. I can't wait! I'm so excited for a new beginning, a fresh start. Unfortunately, I have some extra baggage that I don't particularly want to take with me...so it's time to write it out.
First thing: My Nightmare.
I don't exactly have the nightmare anymore, but it's more a of a person now. There was once a time when I thought he and I were meant to be together, in fact, I thought that I loved him. I guess I did, just not in the way I thought. I was a young, naive 16 year old sophomore in high school. I don't think I even knew what love was back then. I wanted to be his girlfriend so badly, I do remember that. I also remember that my parents HATED him, and his parents loathed me. His mother was always telling him that I was a jealous bitch who would do anything in my power to make him mine. My mother always told me that he would try to make me do things that I didn't want too. Guess who was right? My mother. I learned a few days ago that my little sister was telling people a whole bunch of lies about herself, namely that she'd had sex several times before. I also learned that she was arranging to meet this guy that she'd never met so they could "fuck" as she put it. I didn't know anything about any of it until five or so days ago. Now, my worry level is spiked because I don't want the same thing to happen to her. I worry constantly, but I can't let myself dwell on what happened to me. I have to trust that my stepfather is taking the matter into his hands and won't let anything happen to her when I leave in five days.


Here lately I've been listening to music. In fact, I listen to so many different songs by so many different artists over and over again that I've nearly memorized at least four new songs. One song in particular keeps popping into my head at the most inappropriate moments. No Air by Jordin Sparks.
You see, there's this boy, and he quite literally takes my breath away. I was (am?) so deeply in love with him, and now that he's with someone else, it feels like I'm trying to live without the very air that I breathe. I'm healing now, and starting to get over the hurt, but that doesn't mean everything has changed. I'll admit that I've given up on him ever coming back, my reason being that I don't want to waste my time waiting around for something that may never happen. However, I still feel like I don't have air to breath, or a heart that beats.
How am I supposed to breathe with no air?
I didn't think it was possible at first, but now...now I can do it. It's simply really. I just inhale, and breathe in oxygen rather than the smell of his shirt. I exhale carbon dioxide instead of little bubbles of happiness.
My world is slowly fixing itself, turning itself right side up again.
I'm slowly rebuilding the ruins of my heart, and the personality of the girl within.
Once again, I'm going to shine.
I'm not going to hide behind a mask of pain, and let myself be who I really am.
I don't need this boy to survive. He's just a memory of the past. True we're still best friend's, but that's totally different. I guess I could I say that I need him, just not in a romantic way.
I'm going to shine, and I'm going to make my dreams happen.
I'll sing out, let my voice carry the words to whatever song happens to be in my head.
I'll dance, letting my feet move to the rhythm of whatever song happens to be blaring from my speakers.
I'll write, letting the words flow across the page just like they float through my head.
Moving on is hard, don't get me wrong. To be honest, it SUCKS. I don't like filing away the happiest two months of life under the title "Do Not Think About". But what I have to do, well, I just have to let it go.
I need to take my own advice and roll with the waves that life throws my way.
I can't say that I'll move on quickly, but I will eventually reach the point where he is just a memory from the past, and my best friend/secret keeper.
I won't wait forever, and moving on is becoming easier the more I think about it.
Goodbye old, hello new :)

New Beginnings

Here lately, I've been viewing the world through new eyes. Well...not literally, but my view has changed. For the last two months, I've been absolutely oblivious to what's been going on around me. I was living on a cloud in a dream world that no longer exists. I suppose I should say thank you to the two friends who popped that little bubble of bliss. It was overrated and ridiculous.
All of this came crashing down on me Wendesday afternoon. My stepfather built a third level to our deck, he uses it for target practice. Well, Wednesday afternoon, I climbed the ladder to that third level, and was met with a spectacular view. I was level with the tree tops, and since I live on a hill, the view down to the valley was amazing. I could see the farm, and I could see all the way over to the next hill, where Greystone is. I sat out there for at least an hour, just sitting and taking in the view. My thoughts were running around of course, but that's alright. I found that I could breathe up there, and just how peaceful it was. As the night went on, I began to see things with new eyes.
I started to notice the little things outside, like the way the leaves sounded when a breeze would ruffle them. I could hear the little frogs and crickets outside my window that night, creating there own little melody. I could feel the wind tangling my already messy hair, and I could feel the slight chill of it on my skin. I watched a snake slither around on the ground below my perch on that third level, and I watched him disappear from view. The whole time I was up there, I was talking to my best friend, and I found that I could actually talk to him, and not feel hurt or upset that he had actually blown me off earlier. I realized that there are more important things in life than waiting for a love that may never happen again.
I was trying so hard to live in the past that I wasn't paying attention to the present.
But all that's changed.
I'm living in the here and now, rather then what used to be.
The here and now involves new people, new beginnings.
I leave for college in exactly one week from today, and let me say that I can't wait. I'm going to miss all my friends here at home, especially Jacob and Megan. However, I'm looking forward to new adventures with new faces. I'll definitely miss my new spot, that magnificent third level on my deck, but hey, I'll come home for visits. I can't wait to meet new people, and work on the growing friendship between myself and Keifer. Lake Dardanelle and Mount Nebo aren't far from Arkansas Tech's campus, so there will be plenty of time to appreciate nature. Tech's campus is beautiful, and there's trees all around, and tons of benches outdoors for me to sit on and study. I can't wait to start classes, and start learning new things. I'm a nerd at heart, and am psyched for my cultural anthropology class. I can't say that I'm excited about Math or Bowling, but oh well, it's all for a good cause.
I don't need to live in the past anymore, I have a bright future ahead of me. Don't get me wrong, I'll always treasure the memories, and I'll definitely enjoy taking them out to admire every once in a while. But now I have the oppurtunity to make new memories, and make things happen. I'll keep my Jacob and my Megan close to my heart, and I'll make sure to talk to them every day. But here's to new beginnings, and the here and now :)

I am Me. Plain and Simple

I am Me. Plain and Simple

Here recently I've had some people pressuring me to change who I am. Well forget it, it's not going too happen. I am ME. Plain and Simple.
I know that I'm loud.
I know that I'm crazy.
I know that I love to laugh.
I know that my eyes shine when I'm happy.
I know that I crinkle my nose when I laugh.
I know that my eyes will always give away my true emotions.
I know that I try to put others before myself.
I know that I'm afraid of my own emotions for the most part, but I know when the feelings are real.
I know the difference between love and infatuation.
I know that what I feel right now for a certain person is love, not that irrational fake thing most people think of as love.
I know that I hate being told how to feel.
I know that I have really big brown eyes that some think are beautiful, but that I dislike.
I know that I have naturally brownish blonde hair that curls when it wants too, and goes all frizzy when it doesn't.
I know that my feet are size 8 1/2.
I know that I have small hands.
I know that I'm usually cold.
I know that blue is my favorite color.
I know that I love to help people.
I know that English is my favorite subject.
I know that there are few people that I trust.
I know that I adore musicals.
I know that I'm posting this blog because I'm absolutely pissed right now.
I know that my heart is bruised and broken.
I know that I love watching Tom and Jerry.
I know that I love Michigan.
I know that I love to read.
I know that I'm ready for a new beginning.
I know that I can't wait for move in day, and for classes to start.
I know that I love to dance.
I know that I eat, sleep, and breathe music.
I know that I absolutely hate brussell sprouts.
I know that Jane Eyre is my favorite book.
I know that Samantha Weldon is the twin that God forgot to give me.
I know that I don't like to take my shirt off during sex.
I know that I can speak Spanish very well, and I could probably be fluent if I'd practice.
I know that I have weak ankles.
I know that I'm a secret keeper.
I know that singing is a hobby of mine.
I know that I can't draw very well (stick figures are my specialty)
I know that I don't like beef or pork very much.
I know that I could probably be a vegetarian.
I know that I love the rain.
I know that I hate rain during the winter.
I know that wet socks drive me crazy.
I know that Jacob Ross and Samantha Weldom can make me smile, no matter how bad my day has been.
I know that I think the Smurfs are super cute.
I know that I'm a flirt.
I know that I'm a tease.
I know that I'm claustrophobic.
I know that I absolutely hate being forced to do anything.
I know that I have weird little quirks in my personality.
I know that want to go to England.
I know that I miss Rose Arnold and sharing chocolate muffins at lunch.
But most of all, I know who I am.
I am Mareena Keigh Gilbert.
I am ME. It's that plain. It's that simple.

101 Things

Recently, a friend pointed out that they barely know anything about me, so I took a cue from another friend (she made a list of 100 things for her boyfriend). Here's to all those who care to know the little things about me.
1. My favorite color is blue.
2. I love cheese dip.
3. I'm easily amused when I'm tired.
4. I read a lot.
5. I'm OCD.
6. I hate fast food.
7. I can use chopsticks.
8. Jane Eyre is my favorite book.
9. I listen to all kinds of music.
10. Break Your Little Heart by All Time Low is my favorite song.
11. I own over 300 books.
12. I was molested when I was 16.
13. I have trust issues.
14. I've only fallen in love once.
15. I'm compassionate.
16. I speak spanish well, but not fluently.
17. I have 9 sisters, and 7 brothers.
18. I'm double majoring in English and Psychology.
19. The Smurfs and Tom and Jerry are my favorite cartoons.
20. I want to move to England.
21. Goober, Luna, and Lupin are my best friends :)
22. I was adopted when I was in the 3rd grade.
23. I think sex is overrated.
24. I have an emotional wall.
25. Life is my favorite board game.
26. All Time Low is my favorite band.
27. I'm Catholic.
28. My biological mother hates me.
29. My adoptive mother is only 16 years older than me.
30. Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney movie.
31. I used to be shy.
32. I like to lay out under the stars.
33. I used to cut.
34. I love coconuts.
35. I don't eat red meat very often.
36. I still sleep with a teddy bear.
37. I love to sing and dance.
38. English is my favorite subject.
39. Writing makes me feel better.
40. Music is my escape.
41. I love the ocean.
42. I have a volatile temper.
43. I'm very protective of my friends and family.
44. Photography is one of my hobbies.
45. I used to be a health nut.
46. I like to help people.
47. I feel more comfortable in the back of Sunshine's truck than anywhere else.
48. My eyes give away my true emotions.
49. My heart is currently broken and unavailable.
50. I'm afraid of grasshoppers.
51. My name means "sea loving".
52. My middle name is spelled "Keigh" but pronounced "Kay".
53. I love classic literature.
54. William Blake is my favorite poet/philosopher.
55. Shakespeare is my favorite writer.
56. Goober is my secret keeper.
57. I like blueberries and roses.
58. I can't draw.
59. I like to dance in the rain.
60. I cry a lot, especially when I'm mad.
61. Mythology interests me.
62. Chicago is one of my favorite places.
63. I used to go to Lake Pickthorn to think.
64. I collect beanie babies.
65. I thorw things when I'm mad.
66. I'm very weird.
67. Brussell sprouts make me ill.
68. I'm very accident prone.
69. I'm tough.
70. I'm a germaphob.
71. I always have a song stuck in my head.
72. I love musicals.
73. I wanted to be on Broadway when I was younger.
74. I dream big.
75. I love water.
76. Fishing bores me.
77. Hunting makes me sick.
78. Snakes amuse me.
79. Spiders make me giggle.
80. I can be very quiet.
81. There are things that only Goober knows.
82. I let my heart and instincts guide me.
83. I hate spending money.
84. I love nature.
85. I run when I feel like I should.
86. I tend to fight for what I believe in.
87. I have a guardian angel.
88. Everything by Lifehouse changed my life.
89. Michigan is my favorite state.
90. Snow makes me happy.
91. Venice is the one place I want to see before I die.
92. The color pink annoys me.
93. Shopping distracts me.
94. Hope is my favorite word.
95. I'm a very determined person.
96. Thunderstorms make me smile.
97. I love the smell of rain.
98. I only trust one boy.
99. I worry a lot.
100. Zours are my favorite candy.
101. I do my best to keep the promises that I make.
Well, there it is. 101 random facts about me. I hope you learn something, enjoy the randomness.

Hope

About a week ago, a good friend of mine gave me a stone with the word "hope" written on it. I carried it with me every where, mainly to remind myself that there is always hope, even in the most bleak situation. Whenever I'd lose my grip on the tiny shred of hope that lives in me, I'd take out that rock, and hang onto it for dear life.
I no longer have this rock, and here's why.
Hope can't be kept selfishly to one's self, it should be shared, especially with those who most need it. Today, I learned that some people very near my heart where involved in a very dangerous situation, and needed to be helped.
A good friend of mine's father is bipolar, and unfortunately, he's having another "episode". I was asked to babysit  the youngest boy today, so when I went to pick him up, my friend (who's 16) basically threw me out of the house, and told me to get of the house and not come back until later on. So I took my friend to practice, and spent the day with his seven-year-old kid brother. When band practice was over, I went to pick him up, and took him to get his schedule for classes, mainly to help his mother out.
While I was sitting in the hallway outside the high school library, I got a phone call. His mom was freaking out, telling me not to bring the boys back to the house until she text me.
I knew what was going by this time, and I'll admit that I was a little scared. My friend's father had come by the house last night, and busted in a window. He'd also attempted to set the whole place on fire. I'm not really sure what happened exactly after that, but I'm assuming he went looking for the boys while they were with me, and was pissed when he couldn't find them.
I took them to a friend's house with me, and I informed my friend as to what was happening.
About an hour later, their mom text me, telling me to bring them home. When I pulled in the driveway, their older sister's car was backed up to the door, and so was their mother's. Their were bags and boxes in the yard, so it was obvious that they were leaving town.
I helped them pack, and even took some of their collectibles with me so that they wouldn't be damaged if he turned back up at the house while they were gone.
I remember how hopeless their mother felt, and I remember watching her break down and just sob. The kids didn't have much hope either...one was resigned, one was pissed, the other was to young to understand what was going on.
Now back to the rock. I was in the bathroom with the sister, helping her make sure she had all the things she would need, and could tell that she wasn't exactly hopeful about anything. So...I pulled the stone out of my purse, and handed it to her.
I told her to share it with her mother, and her brothers.
However, without that little stone, I feel hopeless. I'm worried that something is going to happen to them...and if something does, I'm pretty sure that it'll hurt more than anything else at this point. These people are my family, their mother is practically my mother.
I'm praying and trying to keep my hopes up, and I'm doing my best to believe that everything is going to be alright.
They're coming back as soon as the father goes to jail, so hopefully it won't be too long.
I love them all with all my heart, and I hope that everything goes well.

Music

I've always loved music, even when I was younger. I liked to dance, and sing along with the disney movie as a kid. But now that I'm older...music has been an escape.
For years now, my heartbreak routine has been to hole up in my room and listen to song after song after song, never really caring that people missed me, or were honestly concerned. I'd just let myself fall into the rhythms set before me, especially in band, and just let myself flow with the chords.
Being in band gave me a whole new perspective on music, and I started to appreciate the classics. I began to listen to Bach or Mozart, and recently, Jazz. Falling into the songs isn't exactly a constant thought anymore, it just happens. I lose sight of all my problems, and just go with it.
Unfortunately, I've lost sight of the whole idea of music. I reached a point five months ago where I thought that I didn't want to be in band anymore, and I basically stopped singing.
I'm not that girl who could be a fantastic musician if I'd practice, and I've been told that I can sing too (I tend disagree with that one).
Recently, I've started to rediscover the joy that music used to give me. Spending months with Luna, who practically breathes music, it was hard not too. She introduced me to some fabulous artists, and has me appreciating Jazz music more than I did before.
I'll lose myself in the words, the beats. I sing along with the radio, or just sing whatever song pops in head, whenever and wherever. Right now, "Smile" by Uncle Kracker is the constant, and it actually makes me think about people or places that make me happy.
For a long time, I've been thinking about giving up band, well, music actually.
My mind has been rejecting the idea of music for a long time now, but my heart is telling me that I need it to survive.
I eat, sleep, and breathe music.
I go to sleep with a song whirling through my head.
Music is an everyday thing for me, I don't think I can live without it. It's the very air I breathe, and I almost threw it away.
I have gifts, and according to some, I need to share those with the world.
I'm sorry to say that it took me until March 2011 for me to realize any of this.
We were playing a song called "Molly on the Shore", and I remember thinking that it was absolutely impossible to play it at the speed we were supposed too.
Then, one day, I did it. I played the hardest melody with perfect ease, and I cannot describe the joy I felt. It was a bouncy, bubbly tune, and it made me remember how I used to be the bouncy, bubbly seventh grader in Clarinet class.
Music is my drug, and it's always constant.
Music will never get up and leave me.
The never ending flow of notes will always hold me in its embrace, never letting me go.
Music is in my soul, and I'm not quite ready to give it up, so maybe I'll hang onto it for just a little longer.

Lessons Learned

I've always been told that I'm a smart girl, and I've always enjoyed learning. From the time I was a

toddler in day care I've enjoyed reading, writing, and just learning. However, I can honestly say that until recently, I was simply "book smart". I never really took the time to learn the lessons I would need to get through life, and I'm a little behind. I guess I could call these the "me lessons" because these two simple, yet important things have completely changed my personality.

Lesson #1: Running away is NEVER the answer.
For as long as I can remember, I've run away from confrontations, from pain. I don't necessarily mean physically running either, I've been known to emotionally shut down for weeks at a time. Now...I respond in a totally different way. I say what I think, and I don't bottle up my emotions anymore. For example, I'm head over heels in love with my best guy friend, and considering there are more than a few issues with our relationship at the moment, I've done quite a bit of running. Everytime I've run away, he's either followed me or not let go. To be honest, I don't even try to go anymore. It still crosses my mind, but being his best friend has made me realize a few things. One, he'll never let me get to far. Two, regardless of where I actually intend to run too, I will inevitably run to him. Three, running away is NEVER the answer. Staying and seeing things through is how it should be. It takes to courage to stand your ground when everything is falling apart around you. I've finally learned that, and I can say it makes my life easier.

Lesson #2: Shutting people out doesn't help.
I've always had lots of friends, but I never truly talked to those friends. I had a very short list of people I trusted enough to let behind my emotional "wall". I believe there were four throughtout my entire senior year. Now, seeing as I don't exactly have a wall anymore, there are way more people inside my head than I am used too. However, there are still things I keep between myself a few people. Thankfully, my very short list is now short, but definitely longer than four. It kind of sucks that it took me several years to learn this, but hey, better now than never. Honestly, I have to thank Sunshine for this one (he absolutely hates it when I call him that, oh well). Without him, I'd definitely still have my shell, and I would absolutely still have my wall. Our late night conversations at work, realizing that he's a great guy, and an even better friend, have definitely helped overall. I'm not saying he's the only one, because he's not. The best guy friend I've ever had has done his fair share of shoving, wedging, knocking over, and blowing up the wall I used to have. Hell, he's the reason that there isn't a wall anymore. I've got to say, I love both of these boys for what they've done for me. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.

I'm not the same girl who graduated high school just over a month ago. I've changed, grown up a little more. I owe quite a bit to Luna, Sunshine, and that best guy friend I keep referring too. Without those three people, I'd probably still be that hermit who would spend time with one friend, and no one else. I still devote a large amount of my time to that one friend, but I can now balance her with them. I'd be totally lost without those four. Thank you guys, I can now officially say lessons learned.